Goodbye
Last night I had a dream about
you. The dream was so vivid. I saw you while I was in Gold’s Gym Robinsons
Galleria- saw you outside thru the glass wall and I waved at you then I said
goodbye. You smiled, I turned my back and then that was it - I woke up.
I woke up feeling nostalgic. It
is the first time in a long time that I’m admitting I missed what we had. Or a
t least what I thought we had.
I’m listening now to the song
“Especially for You” because I wanna remember how it was like when we had each
other. This song was our theme song in the beginning. It sounds corny now but back
then it was so popular because MYMP just revived it and their rendition was
just so nice. This was my song for you when I was so in love. I remember being
in my room, lights out while I was practically thinking about you the whole
time with only this song in the background. (I remember also just now how I
would practically dive for my phone whenever I hear my nokia message tone
because I was so excited to receive a text from you and my mom would just stare
in disbelief. Haha. #thingsLovemakeusDo!!!)
Will this song bring back some
good ol memories? Will it make me tear up? Listened to it a couple of times as I
am trying to go back to the day this actually meant something to us. Well I am
too distracted with some other things so I couldn’t really internalize.
I’m trying to remember your face,
but I just cant cause I haven’t seen you nor talked to you in about a year, i
think because we fought about something trivial?! But maybe not talking is the
best thing that ever happened to us. I can say now without an ion of hypocrisy
that I am fully healed. Well I have been for the longest time but this is the
first time I’m writing it down and declaring it to the universe. I don’t blame
you for anything anymore. I forgive you and I hope you have forgiven me
too--for whatever.
You see when we got together- at
that time- I felt I found the missing piece- the yin to my yang and the sun to
my sky. But no- it didn’t work out the way I’ve always hoped it would work out.
The more than 5 years we were together taught me that there are just some
battles you can’t win no matter how hard you try or no matter how deftly you
strategize. We can’t get everything we want in life- you sure reminded me of
that. But it is not all bad and ugly. There is positive side to everything that
has happened. For one, while we were together, it was as if I were attending
Relationship 101 class. I learned how to be patient and democratic. I was just
a kid then but I grew up fast for you. I learned how to be expressive. I
learned to be showy and expressive, to not be afraid to say ‘i love you’ to
people who really matter to me. I relearned not to be ashamed to hug people and
to show them I care because you reminded me to.
I also learned to forgive despite
how unforgiveable the situation may seem. I learned how to be selfless. To make
the other person’s happiness --a priority. But I also learned that although
sacrificing is a necessary part of loving, it doesn’t always have to be like
that. I learned when to say no and to recognize a losing battle.
I can see now why you had to come
to my life and then leave. You had to teach me how to open up and entrust my
heart again to someone else. Yes, I have been in another relationship before
but what we had-- happened when I was quite open for anything. And at that time
I thought it was so special and extraordinary. Maybe it wasn’t or maybe it
really was, heaven knows. Who gives a shit now anyway?! J
If you ever get to read this- I
wanna thank you because I think Im so much better as a person because ‘you’
happened. Well yes admittedly I struggled in the beginning (same way recovering
addicts do when withdrawing J)
but I get it now that it was all part of my life’s journey. I had to go through
all that to be the mature person that I am today. (ehem!)
Now as I end this post I realize
that your place is in a small little cramped area at the back of my mind, a
place I rarely visit. But when I do, my heart can finally manage a smile.
